How is it with all my thoughts.
Wow my last days or first twenty-six days here are going fast, and even in a way of saying it. I feel different, and even I know I am here to explore myself, and seeing in how things coming on my pathway. I feel just different, not as it was on the first week and not that I really know if the drugs I used have an bigger impact in all of this. But I feel quite relaxed in the things I explore, and see the things around me, exactly in were my thoughts are going to. Sometime my books help me a lot with exploring myself and seeing/feeling things with my body, I have never ever seen before. My first days here in Berlin are not always as comfortable as it seems, and now I am not want to talk about how great the party’s are and how I do the things I never ever don before. No I am exploring feelings in my thoughts that are going back to my youth.
Maybe it’s too long to write everything down and often things and thoughts are not as easy to write it down. I want to try to tell the things that crossed my mind, things about when I read, especially in the last two days that are feeling quite different. Yea my last two days are really different, I never ever had a feeling in my body and soul like now. Sometimes I really think the drugs I take last weekends are kicking in, not saying I really need them. The last time I used something (even alcohol) was last Sunday, and looking to my next weekend that is coming up, u know with another party. And on that party ill try to get clear with everything, and just enjoying it like it is, often I like it so why not this time. But it are the feelings and dreams from last days that are different and so more open to how I looked to it before, not always in a clear sense but I am glad my soul is doing things I like, often really like. So nothing to complain and I only have a lot of new things to tell.
So to start off, this is an feeling how I looked to the rest of the world when I was younger, like between my 4th and 7th years old. And this is so completely new in my thoughts, and I am so happy how things come alive with me that thinking especially to these years. I always complained why I never ever had thoughts about my younger years and now they pop-up, this is giving me a lot of great feelings and (maybe I am not only tired of all the party things). I think I am also tiered of all the things that are happening with letting loose a lot of feelings in these things, even my haircut is one of them. And even the feeling of standing here alone with an body what I love. (u know the story?) Yes loving my body so really much more, and having the possibility to do the things I like here in Berlin. It are the feelings of letting a lot go, and I mean a lot. Even in a way that I feel my body is letting go of fear and expectations, and my soul is in a free feeling to let go, letting go of thoughts with often a lot of pain in it what I not always can explain. Pain that is there and sometimes with a small tear will disappear in the background. Relief in these feelings is incredibly heartbreaking for myself, just that it is possible for me.
And now I am getting nervous about the things around me, feeling in what am I doing and do I feel a little bit afraid? Letting things really go in me what is scary but even know It is good for me? So many questions that are having no answers? Or is time the best thing to coop with In times like these?, in times that are new for me. And all that new can only happen when I let loose of old feelings to bring in new feelings. So telling the thought wat did decide me to write this piece. It was the thought of how I looked up and down to all the other girls in my class, in the class when I was four, five, six year old. The thoughts of looking to how other girls are doing, I never ever thoughts about boys at that age. Never ever I thought I was different, but at my seventh and eight years old all this was different and all this was gone, a lot of thoughts are different, now in this age (8/10 years old) and growing older I am feeling different. I am feeling that something isn’t right anymore, maybe after all these things can be related to a divorce between my mom and dad. It are all things combined together how things of thoughts become a dreamy world for me, where I loved to be in, dreaming away and think about other things than reality. And maybe the drugs are giving me the difference between how I feel now and how I can feel on the dancefloor, dancing and chilling, feeling loved in who I am now. The contrast in the years after my 8th and 30th the relation in how I feel now and before my 7th is awfully good that I can cry about it how much pain that contrast is feeling. Feeling ok to let go a lot of shit and go and be here. And let the rest of the world know I am fine in who I am or how I feel that I am.
Wow what an feeling in telling this to all of you and I need to say, its not easy to write it all down and just doing things I am doing now. Even thinking this is not for my story here in berlin and needs to be on my old blog, but it’s the same, I am glad to post it on both blogs. I feel I need to talk about these things for my own relief, maybe a relief of pain what is coming out right here when I am writing this. Letting go here in a library in the middle of Berlin, feeling some fear and relief all together exploring a way how things are. Even I know I will read this again and again to think about posting this. But damm I feel so unexperienced in these things, and I am glad it is here in me to feel it. Not always easy but yes it can happen time to time, and wooaaw what an feeling to come closer and closer. Coming closer though the things in my life that are surreal and real together, and I can give notice about it what is real for me. The difference is so much more clear in a sense of living and doing this In things I like, end exploring these things are great end confronting together. So you can not talk about easy going, its just here and you need to deal with it, and maybe that’s the thing my mom was taking away all the time. Deal with it and search your own way, handle it yourself and learn from it. Maybe this is giving me relief in all my thoughts from my youth I missed out, and I am welcoming it to myself, to explore it right now.